Hi Tumblr, it’s been awhile, I need a word dump, I’m sorry, I will try to be back.
I’ve been trying to stream more on Twitch and I finally worked up the courage to turn on my camera. It’s scary because A) i’m a girl playing a video game and B) i’m a fat girl playing a video game.
So far I’ve only gotten a few comments that were unnecessary, though I know my mods caught more that I didn’t see. I’ve had a lot of thoughts recently concerning being a fat girl in a gaming industry that is already cruel enough to its women.
It feels like I’m adding just another qualifier, another “ok, so you’re a girl, let’s just talk about sexism” whereas I feel there’s a difference between being a traditionally attractive women in games and being a fat girl who plays games. There are so many stereotypes and none of them are good. I don’t want to create more layers, but I strongly feel that though we are now talking about sexism in games and nerd culture, we aren’t going far enough to include fat women and women of color, something that I am both.
Which brings me back to streaming. I was brainstorming an article earlier and ran across an article written by one of my Twitter friends and I mentioned it to her. We had a nice conversation that led to talking about visibility and how it’s hard enough to be a fat lady in the world, but it can be even difficult, in some respect, to be a fat lady who isn’t ashamed of herself.
I have come a long way to accept myself and I’m not afraid I’m going to slide back into dislking myself - lately, I have felt uncomfortable with myself, but that is mainly for health reasons and getting braces, which I think most people would take awhile to accept on their face, and anyway, i’m doing pilates and going out with yoshi more, which has helped with these feelings - because of internet comments, though I know that they wear you down and if that happens, it happens.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to be visible. I want to make that journey that others haven’t made yet, from being a fat person hating yourself to a fat person loving yourself, a little easier. And the safest way for me - because I still am acutely anxious around people IRL - for me to do that is on the internet, because I can control my surroundings. And the way that I know how to do that, at least for now, is to play video games.
I don’t want to make this a career or anything, because jesus christ, I know people who do and I have nothing but utmost respect for them because for all my talk, I can still only stand people for so long, but it’s something I want to try and do on a semi regular basis. I don’t know if it will help anyone, or if it will leave any impact, but I want to try.
Unfortunately, the show is wrong, on both counts. Changing a scene from consensual sex to rape is not just a pedantic issue of accuracy—it’s a problem with story. The Daenerys Targaryen who falls in love with a man who granted her respect when no one else would is different from the Daenerys Targaryen who fell in love with her rapist. It changes that relationship. (Dany falling in love with Drogo, and calling him her “sun and stars,” makes a whole lot more sense now, doesn’t it?)
Similarly, Jaime is a figure of chivalric love in the books—despite his arrogance and ruthlessness, his devotion and sense of duty to Cersei, the only woman he has ever loved, is so fervent as to border on adoration. Admittedly, the show can’t rely on his point-of-view chapters, as the book does, to communicate that love. But given what we have seen Cersei Lannister capable of—her ex-husband is hardly the only man she’s had killed—is it even conceivable that she would stand for it? Jaime raping Cersei is a major anomaly for these two characters—even based purely on what we’ve seen in the show. It’s just not something that either character would do.