it’s an hour into my birthday. there are small catastrophes in every minute, i guess.
happy birthday to me. it can only go up from here.
Hi Tumblr, it’s been awhile, I need a word dump, I’m sorry, I will try to be back.
I’ve been trying to stream more on Twitch and I finally worked up the courage to turn on my camera. It’s scary because A) i’m a girl playing a video game and B) i’m a fat girl playing a video game.
So far I’ve only gotten a few comments that were unnecessary, though I know my mods caught more that I didn’t see. I’ve had a lot of thoughts recently concerning being a fat girl in a gaming industry that is already cruel enough to its women.
It feels like I’m adding just another qualifier, another “ok, so you’re a girl, let’s just talk about sexism” whereas I feel there’s a difference between being a traditionally attractive women in games and being a fat girl who plays games. There are so many stereotypes and none of them are good. I don’t want to create more layers, but I strongly feel that though we are now talking about sexism in games and nerd culture, we aren’t going far enough to include fat women and women of color, something that I am both.
Which brings me back to streaming. I was brainstorming an article earlier and ran across an article written by one of my Twitter friends and I mentioned it to her. We had a nice conversation that led to talking about visibility and how it’s hard enough to be a fat lady in the world, but it can be even difficult, in some respect, to be a fat lady who isn’t ashamed of herself.
I have come a long way to accept myself and I’m not afraid I’m going to slide back into dislking myself - lately, I have felt uncomfortable with myself, but that is mainly for health reasons and getting braces, which I think most people would take awhile to accept on their face, and anyway, i’m doing pilates and going out with yoshi more, which has helped with these feelings - because of internet comments, though I know that they wear you down and if that happens, it happens.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to be visible. I want to make that journey that others haven’t made yet, from being a fat person hating yourself to a fat person loving yourself, a little easier. And the safest way for me - because I still am acutely anxious around people IRL - for me to do that is on the internet, because I can control my surroundings. And the way that I know how to do that, at least for now, is to play video games.
I don’t want to make this a career or anything, because jesus christ, I know people who do and I have nothing but utmost respect for them because for all my talk, I can still only stand people for so long, but it’s something I want to try and do on a semi regular basis. I don’t know if it will help anyone, or if it will leave any impact, but I want to try.